Three years ago, when the first Toronto Star article about 52 Friends was published, someone commented, “I’d like to see an update from Amdur 5 years from now.” This is my three-year update.
I met with Ami Rokach this week. We were recording an episode for my new video series—our conversation will be up soon. Candidly, I thought we’d lost touch until Ami sent me an email a few weeks ago. The one below.
For anyone who's lost track of the characters in my life, Ami is a clinical psychologist who has been researching and teaching about loneliness, human sexuality, and psychotherapy for the past 40 years.
He’s been a solid point of contact since I started writing about loneliness and generally a treat to speak to. As I sat across from Ami at York University, I remembered the first time I emailed him three years ago. In our first conversation, he described the stigma surrounding loneliness.
There is a stigma related to loneliness because it is seen as a weakness. Ami explains, “The rationale behind it goes something like this, ‘If I’m lonely, that means no one wants to be with me. If no one wants to be with me, that means I’m a loser, and I’m not worthy of being loved. Our society adores successful people and high achievers. So not only am I ashamed of my loneliness, but I don’t want to advertise it for fear that other people might not want to come close to me because they may be concerned that they will be seen as losers as well.’”
A decline in my blog’s readership has recently been a concern to me. I’ve had trouble pinpointing the reason—my writing, a lack of interest in reading, a mismatched demographic.
After my afternoon with Ami, I began to realize it could be because, during the pandemic, we became comfortable admitting our loneliness as it placed us in the majority—most of us were experiencing it. Today, the idea of loneliness has reverted to its pre-pandemic form—something to be ashamed of as the world has returned to “normal".
Unfortunately, accepting such a rationale neglects our need to prioritize friendship or worse, causes us to abandon anyone who may be chronically lonely.
So, my greatest update three years from then is never to let ourselves view the pursuit of friendship as something demeaning.
On a personal level, I’m having fun. I feel lucky that three years ago I had the time, means, and support to transition from what felt like an old life to a new one—despite how painful it felt letting go of certain friendships.
I’ve been less motivated to write because I ruminate less than I used to. It’s done intentionally for my mental health and also so that I can enjoy my friendships without unnecessary analysis.
What I do know is that I made a lot of friends three years ago, during a down period when I was able to surround myself with people who saw me for who I was, not what I was going through, and for that, I’m fortunate.
Let’s keep going.
Love,
Miriam