Episode 4: How Do We Cultivate Platonic Love?

The Adult Friendship Problem

Sean, thrilled to have you as a guest writer.

A few months back, I came across a viral post by Sahil Bloom breaking down the amount of time we spend in different relationships at various times of our life. There was plenty to glean from these graphs, but I personally honed in on the disappointing trend of Time Spent With Friends.

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Our friendship era peaks during college, then falls off a cliff. By the time we’re 30, we spend less than half that time with friends. But this doesn’t fully drive home the point. I did my research—45% of adults admit they find it hard to make new friends. The average adult hasn’t even made a new friend in the past five years.

We’ve come up with plenty of creative solutions. There was a time when social media promised to beckon in a friendship utopia. Our gyms have member happy hours. Dating apps have expanded into the friend-finding business. The appetite for something greater is there, but I don’t think it’s working. After college we invest time in our careers, our partners, and our children. Suddenly board game night with the squad takes a back burner. Our friendships seem trivial compared to other relationships.

I’ll offer leniency to parents of young children. This is a time of utter chaos, and y’all are thriving. But for others, I don’t think this argument holds water. First and foremost, this implies friendships are a lesser relationship than others. The Greeks have many different words for love. Along with eros, which is romantic love, there is philia, or friendly love. Its inherent value is self-evident for the Greeks’. In American culture, philia isn’t a priority. If anything, friendships are placeholders until we find our life partner.

My favorite movie about friendship is Frances Ha (sorry Lord of the Rings!). It tells the story of a woman in her mid-20s coming to terms with her best friend Sophie’s new boyfriend. This one is unfortunately here to stay. She feels sad and alienated, and this just makes her angry at herself for not accepting Sophie’s happiness. At first she tries to find flaws in him, but if she’s being honest, there’s nothing inherently wrong with the guy. At one point of vulnerability, she breaks down crying and confesses to Sophie, “If something funny happens on the way to the deli, you’ll only tell one person about it and that’ll be Patch. I’ll never hear about it.”

What a line. Seriously, what a line! If anyone has felt inexplicably sad at the tail end of a best friend’s wedding, you get it. Sometimes we grieve the inevitable future distance between ourselves and a person who meant everything to us at one point in our lives.

So I don’t buy the argument that friendship is a lesser form of love. The value it adds to our lives during pivotal moments is undeniable. Fast forward into our golden years, many of us may no longer have a spouse around to ground ourselves. Friendships will begin to matter a whole lot more again. It’s never too late to rekindle an old friendship, but nurturing one over the years is a better alternative.

The psychotherapist Esther Perel has some great thoughts about our very specific obsession—soulmates, “You’re asking one person to give you what an entire village used to provide.” Perel seems to believe that this is a contemporary and cultural phenomenon. That means it was learned over time by Western societies and can be unlearned if we want. I’m not saying we should forgo romantic love. But we can be better stewards of philia, and perhaps friendly love can make a resurgence long after our college years. 

We don’t have a magical friend-finding intuition in our teens. It’s circumstantial. The environment makes it easier, and when we’re older the same outcome requires a more concerted effort. I don’t claim to be an expert on the topic, but I do put an enormous weight on philia. While gym happy hours and BumbleBFF provide opportunities for new friendships, the ability to solidify them starts within. As someone who has been through plenty of friendship peaks and valleys, I’ve come up with five behaviors that can make our adult friendships outliers.

Invest In Less

Have you ever had a chore list so intimidatingly long that you’ve wound up doing none of it? Or a diet so disciplined that you threw your hands up and ordered a pizza instead? We’re programmed to seek goals that are obtainable. If a friendship isn’t enriching your life, it’s taking away from other investments. Being intentional about who you call or grab drinks with matters. With friends, we should seek quality over quantity.

Give Yourself and Others a Little Slack

Life is busy. Sometimes work or kids or our own mental health prevents us from investing in friendships. We blink and six months (or five years) have passed. My best friend in high school and I drifted apart in college. Somehow in our 20s, despite living on opposite ends of the country our friendship evolved and we were once again incredibly close to one another. There is no expiration date for picking up the phone and calling an old friend. We all have spare bedrooms or couches for a reason. A lifelong friendship will ebb and flow. What’s important is that each person is open to the relationship growing after periods of dormancy.

Acknowledge That It’s Different

The Greeks believed that philia was a wholly different form of love than eros. We need to understand that our partners gain something from friendships that we ourselves cannot give them. With this understanding comes a belief that it will help make them happier, more fully-realized people. This doesn’t happen naturally. Couples need to set the standard ahead of time. The beautiful thing about different forms of love is they can enrich one another if given proper attention.

Be Vulnerable

I’ve played “The Update Game” with friends before. First, I’d spend a few minutes telling them everything that has happened in my life. I’d brag about my job growth, my travel, and my accomplishments. My friend would nod in return as if impressed before retorting similar updates on their end. Neither of us walked away from this encounter feeling very emotionally fulfilled. Sometimes, we’re lucky and the conversation turns a corner into vulnerability. When we’re vulnerable, we foster empathy and a sense of trust with others. It’s the same reason social media alienates rather than draws us closer. Social media shows the best version of us, not the real version.

Best friends lean on each other. They confess their body image issues. They confide that their work lacks meaning. They share what they’ve learned about themselves in therapy. It’s not that a friend can magically solve these problems. It’s that they’re willing to listen. That is what draws us closer to each other.

Put In The Time

None of this is possible without the proper investment. We need to sometimes go against our impulses to foster meaningful friendships. This means calling a friend when we’d rather watch Netflix. It means going out after work when we didn’t sleep well the night before. It means playing Pickleball when secretly we hate the sport. Every relationship requires investment when we don’t feel like it. Friendship is the only one that gets a free pass.

If I had to pinpoint a common theme amongst these five behaviors, it would be a toss-up between trust and effort. We trust that others are doing their best and that they will receive us when we open ourselves up to them. We put in effort because sometimes we do not feel like nurturing a friendship. Like a fitness plan or diet, this doesn’t yield results overnight. But after weeks, months, and years of discipline, the flywheels of friendship gain momentum that doesn’t easily slow down.

Frances Ha eventually offered her approval towards Sophie’s romantic relationship. She felt sad that her best friend would never share quite the same closeness with her again. But both of them acknowledged that the love between them was here to stay. I’ve been in similar situations myself. During these pivotal moments, friendships evolve. Over time, the feeling of vague melancholy is replaced with a sense of clarity. There’s an old saying about friendships that last: “I don’t need you, I simply love you.”