Episode 6: How do friendships change with age?
Finding Friends at Sixty is a Matter of Quality Over Quantity
This post was written by a new friend, Wendy Reichental. If you’re interested in sharing your story on loneliness or friendship, please send me an email—miriamsamdur@gmail.com.
Non-deliberately, I have always had a small circle of friends. When I met my husband and married at thirty, I was fortunate to have a good group of female friends. But almost immediately, priorities changed as they do for everyone—you get caught up in the cycle of routines, establishing a home, building a career and, in my case, trying to be there and care for older parents with health issues. On my husband's side, he was suddenly dealing with a terminally ill parent. While still navigating our newly married life together, we both had to experience our first foray into grief and the unbearable loss of our parents far too soon.
The years which I devoted more time and focus to family may have inadvertently contributed to my sheer lassitude and why I neglected some of my female friendships. Truthfully, I did not care. I felt, at that time, abandoned by my friends; they did not fully grasp what my husband and I were both going through, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. It was a slow decay of my friendships; appreciatively, there were never any acts of drama or "Real Housewives" incidents of betrayal, histrionics, no feuds or explosive confrontations, just a gradual dissolve and a growing realization of my dwindling friendships.
What it means to have good friends and to be one, along with our connection to people, and the meaning of community, is something I have come to understand more intimately since starting my early retirement just as the pandemic first emerged. I became familiar with the feeling of loneliness and all it encompasses. It can strike anyone at any time, even someone who, by all accounts, is a successful, happily married woman who is in her early 60s—like myself.
Since retiring and starting my second chapter, I have had to leave my comfort zone and try new activities. The problem is that making new friends can be challenging once you get older and friends either move away or become scarcer. Adding to the complexity is that connections should develop organically. For a friendship to ignite, there must be some commonality and spark.
I have attempted fitness classes and a book club and continue volunteering at the local cancer and wellness center. I have even tried reaching out to strangers I have linked with via LinkedIn—the only social media application I prescribe. But attracting new friends has become a bit like forging for clusters of forest truffles— you must first know where to find them, and a little bit of luck sure does not hurt either!
There are ample opportunities for being proactive, broadening your social networks, and meeting new people who align with your interests, hobbies, or experiences. However, what I find difficult at this stage in my life, is developing new friendships that are not just superficial social connections. I want to be surrounded by friends who genuinely root for you, hear you, see you and share your highs and lows.
In the touching and humorous novel Calling Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray, she effortlessly depicts a woman of a certain age as she wakes up one morning and no longer sees her reflection in the mirror and discovers she has become invisible. Worse yet, her husband, grown son, family doctor and others do not notice anything unusual. The book wittingly covers women's friendships and empowerment, invisibility, and loneliness while making you laugh out loud.
I am not interested in acquiring and attracting numerous acquaintances like positive reactions on one's Instagram page. I need something tangible. Our need for "likes" and constant positive reinforcement on social media does not equate to having friendships. It would leave me feeling emotionally vacant and very much unconnected, making my battle with loneliness even worse.
A New York Times article from June 2022, "An Overlooked Cure for Loneliness" by Christina Caron, explains, "Loneliness often stems from unwanted solitude. But it is also driven by a discrepancy between how you perceive your relationships versus what you want (or expect) from them. That disconnect is why you can be surrounded by family at Christmas and still feel like an outsider."
In summary, having friends is essential for our overall health and well-being, especially as we age. Though I might not be able to boast of having many friends by Facebook standards, I am so grateful for the quality of my friendships and the friends who inherently know me with all my foibles and quirks and continue to stick by me. I am also hopeful for those new friendships that have crossed my path and continue to blossom and take root.
We are social creatures; social connections give us visibility, belonging, and companionship. Cultivating and maintaining strong social bonds that we define as "friendships" takes time and effort and should be a priority throughout our lives. But ensuring that these relationships are honest, sincere, and meaningful is more important and what makes them like the elusive rare truffle mushroom so much harder to find.
Wendy Reichental, B.A.,Dip. in Human Relations and Family Life Education, McGill University. Certified in Foot Reflexology, RCRT® Registered Canadian Reflexology Therapist.
Wendy enjoys capturing life’s passages in short essays and opinion pieces. Her writings have appeared in The Montreal Gazette, Ottawa’s Globe and Mail, and various online magazines. Wendy's unique take on those first days of the Pandemic lockdown is now part of the just-out anthology Chronicling the Days by Marianne Ackerman (Editor) and Linda M. Morra (Editor). Guernica Editions, Spring 2021