Episode 8: How do we end relationships?

A conversation with clinical psychologist Ami Rokach

Hey Friend,

It’s been a while since I’ve written outside of my weekly friend posts. I’m leaving for Europe in a little over a week for a 10-day trip around Germany, Switzerland, and France. During university, I went on an exchange to Strasbourg in Alsace, France so I’m excited to be visiting the region again. You’ll be able to follow along on Instagram —52.Friends.

Flowers in a Strasbourg market. Spring 2018.

I’ve been working on my final essay for my 52nd friend and recently finished it. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever written—an emotional piece.

I recently spoke to clinical psychologist Ami Rokach who I’ve featured on the blog a number of times. He has written a new academic book called Sex and Sexuality: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. A Sex Therapist’s Perspective.

I had some questions about romantic relationships that I wanted to ask him, particularly in regard to ending a relationship. Ami always makes it clear to me that we don’t simply leave a relationship that is facing issues—we reflect and try to correct the situation if we still feel loved by the other person.

I’ll admit that my investigation into human nature began almost five years ago when I got into a car accident on the way to a fifth date. The boy I was meeting coldly asked if I was okay over text and I took his response as a sign of disinterest and disrespect. We didn’t speak after that.

“It’s a question of support,” Ami makes clear. “I would say to you if the guy hears that you have been in a car accident and doesn’t jump to support you and doesn’t ask if you want him to take you to the collision center or doesn’t offer to take you to a doctor if you need. Then he wouldn’t be for me.”

“Do you think that in dating people treat you how they feel about you?” I ask.

“If he doesn’t like you, that’s determined by the first or second date. But if it’s the 10th time, then he must like you and if he behaves that way then it’s his character. 

Even if you meet one or two times, he’s not in love with you but just as a human being it would be expected that he react in a warm and supportive way. 

The problem is people your age like somebody and don’t ask themselves does this person really have what I need? Not what I want but what I need. And if you need love and support and warmth and openness and this guy who may look like Brad Pitt cannot provide it then maybe it’s not going to work.”

“Do you think that it’s easier to open up to some people than others?” I say.

Ami explains, “There are always differences between people in how ready they are to open up and that has to do with our history and how vulnerable we are ready to feel. The most important thing is that people feel secure. If you feel confident that nobody is going to come down on you or attact you, there is a better chance that you will open up.”

“How do we end relationships?” I ask.

“It’s a complicated question and there are several stages,” Ami says. “First you must really reflect on the relationship. Next, try to fix the relationship if it’s worth investing in. If you need to end it, just sending a text or walking away is immoral. The person that you dated deserves that you sit down with them so that they can understand why you don’t want to stay with them.”

Finally, I ask, “Do you think that people who are mean to us will be nice to the next person?”

“No. If you say, ‘I had a guy who didn’t know how to express his love but I felt that he is loving.’ Then I would say, ‘That can be worked on.’ If you’re talking about personality that doesn’t change overnight and very little over a lifetime,” says Ami.