Miguel and I connected through friend #10, Luigi. We were in the same tech program founded by friend #1, Loren, and it was after my first Toronto Star article in March 2023 that we realized Luigi was a mutual friend.
The two of us arranged a Zoom call during which I questioned him about the state of his friendships. After that, I’m not sure how it happened, but Miguel came to a few of the 52 Friends gatherings I hosted, my 26th birthday. He became the kind of friend I’d look for at tech events when I was too shy to mingle.
I haven’t seen him in at least a year when we sit down for coffee at a downtown Toronto café.
Miriam: Lilian is getting married, you know, Lilian (friend #5), right?
Miguel: I thought she was already married?
Miriam: She got married on paper. Her actual wedding is the end of November.
(We speak of wedding invites. Of being invited to events when we haven’t seen the person in years, but still appreciating the invite.)
Miriam: You just did a marathon, I saw. Have you always been a runner?
Miguel: I started running in May of last year. At the time, my Muay Thai gym was having a running challenge for charity, and at that point, I had never run besides playing soccer. But I thought, “Okay, if I’m going to do this to raise the money, let me just join a run club,” and it ended up being fun.
You meet a lot of people. I would say there are a lot of running communities, so it’s very easy to make friends. Some of them have a dating reputation as well.
I didn’t even go to meet people, and then I discovered this running community downtown. On Friday mornings, we go for a run, have coffee, then go home and work. I incorporate that into my routine.
There’s a rule in run club: ‘No one runs alone.’
Miriam: Have you made good friends or more casual connections?
Miguel: I would say in terms of good friends, maybe two or three. I reconnected with someone I went to university with. I hadn’t spoken to him since university, and we kind of knew each other then, and reconnected at run club, and we’ve become a lot closer. Now he’s one of my close friends.
We went to Thailand together.
Miriam: You went to Thailand with him?
Miguel: Yes, back in November.
I was going to Thailand, and he was going to a friend’s Bachelor party, so I kind of crashed their bachelor party.
(An amber alert goes off.)
Miriam: You have a brother, right?
Miguel: Yeah, I do.
Miriam: Does he live beside you?
Miguel: No, he’s 21 and lives with my dad. I’m helping him get his life together.
Those were my mom’s last words to me: “Take care of your brother.” So that’s what I’m doing.
One thing, I know you reached out to me when my mother passed away, and I’ve had some people comment, “Oh, I didn’t know her…,” but going through that process for the first time, it actually means a lot having people reach out or show up. It’s like “Wow,” it makes you feel really supported.
Miriam: Luigi messaged me that he went to the funeral home, and then I said, “Why didn’t you tell me I would have gone with you?” And he said sorry, but I thought, “This is why you don’t make plans with men.”
Miguel: Making plans with men is awful, I know. I forgot I had dinner plans this evening.
Miriam: Luigi had said she was sick for a while?
Miguel: Yeah, she was battling cancer for 5 years.
Miriam: Breast cancer?
Miguel: A very rare form of cancer. It was a cancer that grows in the muscle tissue. And that specific one is more common in women than it is in men.
Apparently 80% of people who have it die in the first two years. And my mom lived for five years. She surprised all the doctors.
I remember it was the day after the Raptors won the championship, she had her surgery at 6:30 am the next day. I was out with my brother, here, celebrating. I got one hour of sleep and drove her to the hospital for her procedure.
At the beginning, it was tough, but I would say for the first three years, she was still active and working.
Miriam: What did she do for work?
Miguel: She was a housekeeper. Very typical immigrant job. A lot of people that she worked for were also very supportive.
The one thing I will say is that it did feel like there was a lot of good closure. All of her sisters came here. We knew that she didn’t have much time left, so everyone made the effort to come for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, her birthday, everything.
When it happened, you also feel a little bit of relief. Because her last seven to eight months, she was suffering so much. She was taking hydromorphone every day.
Miriam: How old was she?
Miguel: She was 63.
Miriam: That’s really tough.
Miguel: It is, but I would say it was a lot tougher for me when I found out that she didn’t have too much time left than when she passed. That moment was a lot harder for me. It happened on my birthday last year.
I was supposed to go to my parents for dinner, and I couldn’t because she got admitted to the hospital. I brought cupcakes and everything to the hospital because it was my birthday.
And that’s when my aunt told us that she didn’t have that much time left.
Apparently, at the time, the doctor told her that she didn’t even have a month left, but she didn’t tell any of us. It’s crazy because I was going to Thailand the next month, there’s no way I would have gone if I had known.
But that was her mindset; she didn’t want her condition to stop our lives.
Miriam: Were you and your brother born in Canada?
Miguel: Yes, I was born here. My parents were born in Portugal. In very rural places that you’d never go to.
Miriam: And they met there?
Miguel: No, they actually met here. In their early 30s, they met at church. My dad saw her at church, and then I guess she was walking up the street with her sisters, and he went up to her.
Miriam: It was easier then. Is your dad still working?
Miguel: No, he’s retired. He’s been retired for 10 years. It was kind of a forced retirement. He had to get knee replacements because he was a roofer. So as soon as he got the knee replacements, he couldn’t go back.
(During our conversation, Miguel asks about my updates. He’s aware of my career change and remembers a friend who made a similar transition from tech to jewelry.)
Miguel: I probably hadn’t thought of him in years. Now I think, “Oh, I know a guy.”
Miriam: I feel that people have this hesitation when reaching out to someone, “Will they want to hear from me? Or will they be annoyed?” I don’t feel like that, I think “Yay! They remember my existence.”
Miguel: I agree, it depends on whether it’s someone you had a good relationship with. It doesn’t work if they want something from you, like a job referral or some other kind of nonsense, or a favour.
(He thinks for a moment.)
If I haven’t spoken to someone in years, I guess it’s still better to just be direct instead of being fake nice.
Miriam: I reached out to this woman last year, when I wasn’t sure if I was going to do the jewelry business or switch jobs, and I hadn’t spoken to her in maybe six months. I knew she was in product marketing, and I wrote to her asking if she hears of anything to let me know. And she read it and didn’t even answer. And I started thinking, is it rude that I went in with the ask?
Miguel: Is it someone that you knew?
Miriam: I knew her, but I never knew her well. She’s more of a work connection, and I didn’t want to hide my intentions.
Miguel: I don’t see the problem. If it’s a work connection, it’s better than asking about someone’s personal life when you don’t care.
Miriam: As someone who went through grief, how did you want your friends to respond, and what did you appreciate from friends?
Miguel: I wouldn’t want anything different than what I had. I felt so supported. I felt so supported during the whole process. My friends, one day, randomly brought sandwiches for all of us to the hospital. Even messages from people I don’t talk to, to others who went to the funeral home or the mass.
Making someone feel supported is really the only thing you can do. It’s the only thing that really matters. There is nothing that anyone can do. I also saw that support from people I had met across different points of my life, like elementary, high school, from all the jobs I’ve had and all the communities I’ve been in. Whether it’s Muay Thai or running, or soccer, everyone I felt I had interacted with throughout my life, at least one person from every part of it, showed support, and it makes you feel like people care about you, and that’s the most important thing.
“A great soul serves everyone all the time. A great soul never dies. It brings us together again and again.”
—Maya Angelou