My First Impressions

Do I judge people too quickly?

Hey friend,

I’ve been busy writing my book which means less time for writing this blog. My ideas and the structure are finally coming together which is exciting. I can’t wait for you to read it!

A few weeks ago, at my friend’s engagement party, her mother approached me concerned that I would have difficulty finding love because of 52 Friends. A man could Google my name before a date, judge me for writing about loneliness, and assume that I would fill his life with misery. 

This hypothetical man’s thinking would be simplistic and foolish, it would in many ways, prove why I started writing about loneliness in the first place, but it caused me to think about first impressions. 

In our digital world, the first impressions we have of someone could be the results that show up when we search their name—a trip they took to Thailand a decade prior, a photo from their cousin’s wedding where they were the best man or a posting about a new job on Linkedin. Based on the information we gather, we may come to think of this person as well-traveled, family-oriented and intelligent. 

After a quick scan of my Instagram, an onlooker classifies me as cool and decides they’d like to be my friend. Another person lands on the same page and judges me to be lame and someone unworthy of forming any kind of relationship with—my digital presence leads them to reject my advances to meet in person. 

For the most part, I find digital first impressions meaningless. Of course, they may help us match a face to a name when meeting blindly but in most contexts, the information we share online fails to capture us, let alone the intricacy of a first interaction. 

I once had a Zoom call with an acquaintance. Someone who I was chatting with to learn more about her role at a Toronto-based tech company. We began talking about 52 Friends and she said, “So much of what makes me know if I want to be friends with someone, I can’t tell over Zoom.” 

She was referring to mannerisms and body language. How one interacts with the world or how they react to our statements. Something is missing even on a video call. 

Psychologist Ami Rokach and I had a similar discussion in which he said he wouldn’t rely on dating apps to meet a lover because it’s so difficult to understand someone’s essence by a few photos. A problem I often struggle with which leads to me going on many first dates, but that’s a topic for another time. 

If we’re lucky to meet a potential friend or a romantic interest in person initially, I can’t lie and say that first impressions don’t matter. Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov found that it takes a tenth of a second to form an impression of a stranger. Time does not greatly change this impression but simply increases our confidence if the impression turns out to be correct. 

A shopkeeper I met on a trip to Florence with my mom in the spring shared that though she is new to the city, she can tell after meeting someone once if she’d like to be their friend—relying heavily on first instincts. 

The question then becomes, how do we make a good first impression in person? 

I’ll begin here. It’s not all us. People see the world as they are and we may make an effort to impress and fail miserably. Similarly, such a person may not see our value or look past characteristics that make us valuable, solidifying that this person is likely not a good friend or potential partner. 

In my experience, the best way to make a positive first impression in a friendship or relationship situation is to be ourselves. It helps if we’re well-groomed, or wearing a cool hat as it acts as a conversation starter but if we truly desire to be known then we should want to be accepted as we are. 

I’ll confess that I have caught myself over-relying on first impressions. Sometimes quickly dismissing someone because of the sound of their voice or for other reasons equally as silly—I too have been nervous about meeting someone for the first time which likely shows in how I carry myself or my ability to converse. 

My father always encourages me to meet a romantic interest more than once and I believe the same is true for friendships. I have a friend in Miami who I was unimpressed by when I met them for the first time, but this person became a great friend and confidant. 

It’s nice to have different types of friends or varying social groups as this opens our view of the world and allows us to empathize with different perspectives. It’s my favourite way to learn. 

I’ll end here, evidently, first impressions are important but if we’re aware of how quickly we make judgements keeping an open mind makes it easier to form new connections. 

Love,

Miriam

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