The Christian Girl
"Forgiveness is recognizing that people are human but that doesn't mean you have to be their friend," says Kirsten.
I’m sitting at Covernotes, a café I frequent often; a half café, half bookshop. I’m trying to write my book but can’t help myself from eavesdropping on the conversation the two girls next to me are having.
“I didn’t want it on store credit,” one girl tells another about her most recent attempt to return a brown dress at Artizia.
I sip my coffee and finally, I am ready to write.
The following is a glimpse into The Salad Days…
When I was younger, I often felt older than I do now. I positioned my mind like a calendar checklist that would have allowed me to accomplish all my greatest life goals by 25. To my disappointment, with each passing year, I missed a box or two; no husband, no great novel.
Kirsten, on the other hand, had the things that I wanted. She met her husband Jeremy when she was 17 and was a volunteer with a Christian organization in New Zealand. He is five years her senior and within a few weeks of dating, the two decided that they would marry.
At the end of high school when I found out she was planning on volunteering and delaying the start of university, I, her class fellow, and sometimes project-mate, considered it a major risk. Kirsten married Jeremy at 20 before starting university, graduated from her program at 24 and in 2020 was chosen as one of only 10 United Nations Youth Champions of Disarmement.
The two of us are sitting across from one another at the local mall, it is the only place open on Good Friday but we’re both aware that if I wasn’t working on such a project, the chances of ever speaking after high school would have been slim.
We’ve given each other a recap of the last few years when we chatted over Zoom the year prior and since then our exchanges primarily consisted of me sending Kirsten questions about her Christian upbringing via Instagram. She answers each one thoughtfully and thoroughly, but this time as we sit and converse in person in the middle of this mall, Kirsten asks me, “What did you mean by ‘those Christian girls’ in the piece that you wrote with Mr. Shaw? What is your perspective of the Christian girl?”
“I guess what I meant is that life seems easier because Christians have the same intentionality when it comes to relationships,” I answer.
“That can be true but it can also be patronizing because a woman often isn’t seen as complete until she’s married,” says Kirsten.
“Well I look at you and Kathrine, and the people my age that seem to be in the happiest relationships all have some kind of religion guiding them,” I say.
“Do you feel like your life is stalling?” says Kirsten.
“In some ways, because I think that if I had someone then I would start planning with him or we’d make decisions together,” I say.
“That’s something I’ve noticed, when a couple is serious the “I” switches to “We,” she says.
“When I thought of real love, I’ve always thought of it as “We.” That’s why when I was younger I was never in a rush to have a relationship because to me a real relationship meant marriage,” I say.
“That’s interesting because I think people often think of the initial stages of infatuation. For Jeremy and I, when we first got together, there truly was a lot of love and deep respect but now it’s much more about being the other person’s companion. Like his wins are my wins and seeing him fulfilled and happy is amazing. It feels less like an infatuation love and more like a soulful love. Like I’m tied to him in a way that’s much deeper and more holistic. It’s about the entirety of his person rather than just the parts I know,” says Kirsten.
She admits that because she married young, she became an adult quickly. An old boyfriend comes up, a relationship that she categorizes as toxic. I’m surprised that Kirsten, years later, and now married, still remembers something a boy told her nearly a decade prior.
“Do you think someone can be mean to you and nice to someone else?” I ask.
“It depends because we never know if something about us reminded the person of something from their past or triggered something in them. We were trying to be friends after the relationship was over but I realized that forgiveness is recognizing that people are human but that doesn’t mean you have to be their friend, it just means you can recognize their humanity,” she says.
“At what point do you think kindness is taken advantage of?” I ask.
“When I think of being taken advantage of, it’s usually been circumstances where either I’ve been seen as just a means to an end, like in refugee camps, or where there’s been an actual hurt. I don’t feel the times when I’m a means to an end are that hurtful. It hurts in the moment but usually, I can’t blame someone for that and I don’t hold that against folks. I think the other times are more difficult, like when a friend or someone I’ve trusted or developed a relationship with ends up using me,” she says.
Kirsten recounts a story about her grandfather who was a pastor in New Brunswick. “He was helping out someone who needed money for groceries. He had gone grocery shopping with the man and they were stopping by the church, and as my grandpa was unlocking the door, the guy kind of pushed him and tried to rob him, demanding my grandpa give him his wallet. My grandpa punched him in the face, left the groceries, and went inside and locked the door. So a real sense that he wouldn’t be taken advantage of but still fully believed that even though the man tried to rob him that he still deserved to keep the groceries.”
