The Relationship Between Friendship and Memory
An explanation by University of Toronto Psychology Professor Steve Joordens
Hi friend,
I write with a heavy heart this week. The news from Israel has kept me up. In my midnight internet scrolling two nights ago I found an article that Hilary Clinton wrote this summer for The Atlantic. She called it, “The Weaponization of Loneliness.”
My favourite passage is one on social media and the threat it imposes on our capacity for empathy. It goes, “The more we live in social media echo chambers, the less we trust one another, and the more we struggle to find common ground with or feel empathy for people who have different perspectives and experiences.”
I’ll share a secret. I don’t have a best friend right now. I have no one whom I text or call daily. The only people I know I will speak to are my parents and my brother—my remote coworkers if they count. It’s a new norm I’ve adjusted to but I can’t say that I always like it. I have memories of feeling part of a close group of girlfriends. Women whom I still admire but whose lives are now as equally as complicated as my own.
Last week, over a Zoom call, I chatted with Steve Joordens on the topic of memory. He’s a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto and also Friend #18.
“We often talk about memory like it’s singular when we can have multiple memory systems working at the same time,” he says.
Implicit memory, Steve explains, is like a basketball player who knows how to make all the right moves because they have put in hours of practice. “That’s unconscious use of memory,” he says.
“If we grew up with friends and went through stress and have the memory of friends being there, part of us understands how important those friendships were to help get through that,” Steve says.
“If you used to have close friends and now don’t your deep memory can identify that the support system you used to rely on is not there. You may then find stress in general more difficult,” says Steve while also adding that we can rebuild support structures.
These new friendships may not be the same because the deep bond we had with childhood friends is hard to recreate but at the same time, not every friend needs to be a best friend forever.
“Imagine going through pictures and you find one of you on the beach with a friend and then messaging them and saying, ‘Hey, I came across this picture. Remember the fun times we had,’” says Steve. “It’s a great way to reconnect.”
“I know that I can ignore best friends for decades but if I need to talk they will be there. Keeping in touch is important for them and for you as little reminders that someone is thinking of you can make you feel better,” says Steve.
As we work toward our monthly prompt of reaching out to an old friend, think about the meaningful experiences you may have had with this friend in the past, the conversations you shared or even the hardships you went through. Rejoice that you were lucky enough to have a great friend and look for love where it lies.
Sending love,
Miriam
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