Two Years From Then
"It's not possible to make 52 friends in a year."
I’m in the car with my father when his friend, Nick, calls. “I really appreciate you and I respect you,” he says as I listen over the speaker in the passenger seat.
Nick is thanking my dad for delivering a birthday gift to his house. The two exchange words, and I, the observer, make mental notes of the conversation.
As we continue our drive, my father asks me, “The dinner you went to the other night, how did you meet the host?”
“I ran a book club about two years ago and met a girl named Sidra who now hosts dinners with her friend Isabel,” I answer.
“It’s interesting how you meet people,” he says.
It’s been two years since the first Toronto Star article highlighting my work with 52 Friends was published. I often refer to a comment someone left on the post: “I’d like to see an update from Amdur five years from now.”
When I started writing 52 Friends, the stars were aligned in my favour. Living alone in Miami for the first few months pushed me to meet new friends on apps or at events. Friendships that I had the time to cultivate with a bohemian schedule that revolved around amusement.
In Toronto, and by friend #10, Luigi, I completely dove into the project. I met someone new or reconnected with someone I knew at least once a week. Sometimes documenting the conversation here and other times, not—striving to capture a unique perspective or experience with each person. Many of the close friendships I built or rebuilt throughout that year were never featured but are ones I cherish.
With my project also came an incredibly cool media storm that slightly overwhelmed me—especially since I was healing from an unpleasant period. Sometimes, I wish to re-do interviews as the woman I am now because I feel more secure in my identity. Regardless, I am happy that the post-pandemic world made us more comfortable admitting and talking about loneliness.
At 25, and in my naivety, I believed that my window to create meaningful friendships had passed. Two years from then, I feel lucky that I was able to prove myself wrong.
Just three weeks ago, friend #3 Zeenath visited Toronto from Florida. We caught up over coffee at a downtown café and discussed many of the topics that built our friendship: matchmaking, family, and travel.
Two weeks before that, I spent the weekend in Ottawa with friend #45, Violette. We went skating on the Rideau Canal and later had dinner and a casino night with our mutual friend. I feel like I’ve known her for longer than I have. No subject is off the table in our conversations and her vibrancy and intentional communication style inspire me.
I’ll see friend #5, Lilian, in New York later this month, maybe friend #24, Zainab too. Friend #19, Mr. Shaw and I are coordinating a morning coffee for sometime soon.
Needless to say, I meet many of my friends from the project regularly. Candidly, I’m focused on having fun within these relationships.
Building a friendship inevitably takes time, but I’ve accepted that it’s important to befriend people who value friendship in the ways I do. Everyone is busy. Everyone has commitments and obligations, but I hope, rather I know, that even when I’m married with children, my friends and I will be there for one another and maybe sneak away for Sunday brunches.
Over a year ago, I informally chatted with clinical psychologist Dr. Miriam Kirmayer when I described making friends and prioritizing friendship as a lifestyle choice. “I haven’t heard it being called a lifestyle choice but that’s interesting. Usually we focus on mindset,” she said.
Though I feel fulfilled in my relationships, I find it cowardly when one rejects the possibility to connect with someone new. We never know what an introduction or invitation means to someone and I refuse to dismiss the possibility of new connections. Every few months, I host potluck dinners and make a point to invite acquaintances who may enjoy the social gathering—why not?
For Valentine’s, friend #53, Gina organized a girls’ lunch at a delicious restaurant. We mixed friend groups and expanded our circle as a result.
I drove, friend #50, Diana home, explaining to her that I feel pressured to keep writing my blog weekly. “You reached your goal. Write when you have something to say,” she assured me.
Recently, my book has been my priority. To properly share my thoughts, and exemplify growth, I knew I needed enough time to pass. Certain relationships had to play out and I let go of others. I desired to discover and rediscover lessons on identity, vulnerability, empathy, acceptance and generosity. It will cover about four years of my 20s.
A coffee with friend #12, Christi, weeks ago, solidified that I have a story to share. One of love and friendship.
I’m planning to spend the summer deep in writing.
Talk soon!
Miriam