How to Make Friends
Advice from a semi-expert
Hey friend,
Even though I write about friendship, I can’t say that there is a formula I could write for how to make friends. What I can do is share what has worked for me.
First, I should acknowledge that the question, “How do I make friends?” is multi-faceted. There are the initial encounters with this potential friend, then we familiarize ourselves with this person, and after, the friendship must be maintained. For this post, I will focus on how to meet someone who could become a good friend and I’ll cover the rest in the coming weeks.
I have a second acknowledgement, I have not always been friendly. What I mean is that like many of us, I’m sure, up until my early 20s, I stuck to the friends that I had and if I met someone new I made little effort to follow up with them. Perhaps due to my insecurities, I felt like any new person would not want to be my friend as they likely already had a full social calendar.
My mindset changed when at 24 I moved to Miami in the fall of 2021. A friend of mine had connected me with his friend named Moshe who was a native of the city and who had just moved back from New York. Moshe and I met for lunch during my first week in Miami and after our hour-and-a-half-long chat, I thought we would never see each other again. Thankfully, he is incredibly friendly and kind and just a few days later Moshe messaged me to meet more of his friends and quickly my circle grew.
It was my grandest lesson. Making friends is for the most part about mindset.
It is to our benefit to assume that people want to be our friends and that there are plenty of opportunities to make new friends.
In Miami, for instance, I went to events, I downloaded a friend app and like Moshe, I began following up with people, leading me to develop great friendships.
When I returned to Toronto in January 2023, I thought it would be impossible to make new friends in the city I had grown up in. It felt strange downloading a friend app and I assumed that there would be no one new to meet at events. To prove myself wrong, I started treating Toronto like a place I had just moved to.
I reached out to friends of friends and acquaintances like Luigi (friend #10) who was a former classmate I had never spoken to and Manisha (friend #22) who is my former roommate’s good friend.
I messaged friends that I had lost touch with but with whom I had previously had a positive relationship like my high school friends Kirsten (friend #22) and Parisa (friend #31).
I attended events and groups that met more than once because that meant I would have the natural opportunity to see the people I liked speaking to several times. That is how I met Lilian (friend #5).
What I know for sure is that friendships bloom in all places. One of my friends in Miami is Severine (friend #9) whom I originally met after booking an appointment with her at a nail salon. As she worked on my cuticles, we both slowly learned about one another and when I came to visit in December 2023, she was the first friend I went to see (with Canadian maple syrup as a gift, of course).
So the idea that we have already met everyone or that no one wants to be our friend is not true, it’s simply a question of repositioning our line of thinking. I’ll share the bluntest of anecdotes.
In September 2020, a few weeks after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, she took me to see a Russian hypnotherapist. I shared with the therapist that at the ripe age of 23, I was scared that I would never find love.
She replied, “I’m 76 and I’m married to a nice Italian man. If tomorrow he dies and I choose to, I can find someone else. There is always someone.”
Though her wording was a bit cynical, she was trying to say never to view relationships or friendships from a scarcity mindset. We can’t expect to go to one event and meet a best friend right away but if we put ourselves in the position to meet people whether we’re 26 or 86, it’s never too late to make a new friend.
Talk soon.
Love,
Miriam